Falling

Vertigo: n. the fear of one's desire to fall

I often have a sensation -really a curiosity of sorts- where I am riveted by the effects of terrible things (the admittance of which will, in all probability, land me in a psych-hospital in no-where's-ville where they smile at you in that creepy way and dose you up every time you utter the phrase "I don't belong here"). I have no desire to see anyone hurt or wronged, in fact it hurts me to think of hurting someone, but I at times I feel oddly disconnected from any emotional bond and have a strong compulsion to ask 'what would happen if...?' My sister told me that this is the desire to see things to their natural conclusion (she's so good at making me feel normal, or even above-normal; this gives me a lot of comfort).

I suppose to really illustrate this idea clearly I need a 'for instance,' so here it is: for instance, when I think of this certain slide at this certain water park it strikes me as dangerous. It is the tallest water slide in the state, and it has no sides. Any devilish-feeling rider (I don't think they even make parents sign release forms) is instructed to keep their arms crossed at the chest and their body straight. It looks so easy to fall off of. This of course sends me on my natural curious endeavor to determine what it would take for someone to fall off, what shift of position could prove to be fatal, and what it would look like to see someone falling. It also sends off some warning bells deep in the back of my brain that quietly warn me from ever utilizing this particular slide. The warning bells are not out of fear that I might accidentally fall off, but out of fear that I might actually experiment and see what it would take to fall off and what that might feel like (besides, it would show those safety bastards that I was right about the danger and they were wrong, way wrong).

Is something wrong with me?