Loves at All Times

Friendship is a tricky thing. We find a person we can be ourselves with, someone we feel safe sharing the intimate details of our lives with, and then maneuver time so that we can always get that special brand of therapy in. But what happens when that feeling of safety disappears? What happens when we realize that the person we are when we're with our friend isn't our real self-not in its entirety? Everyone of us has a hidden well inside; there are things we think or feel or perceive that we never share. There are aspects of our personalities, portions of our souls, that forever remain in secret. But what happens when we discover that our real selves are entirely in secret? What happens when we increasingly hide our personal change in shadow? Does the friendship die?

I'm in an interesting situation, one that has caused me a lot of discomfort, apprehension, pain, but I'm not sure how to get through it. In the past couple of years my friendship with a person has been growing predominately one-sided. As I've been discovering things about myself, trying to excavate portions of my soul that I have tried to shove in the closet or keep hidden from myself, I've been learning some wonderful things about self. I've grown in some amazing ways, I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am. But all of this I have done in private, behind the lock, where it's just me and myself and God. My friend has not been invited on this painful journey, it was something I felt I needed to do alone. But now I've come to the point where I no longer know how to let her in, or if I even want to.

Over the years we did a lot of damage to one another. We were both insecure and confused and fed off of one another's pain to help sooth our own. But I'm just now discovering the extent of some of the damage and, worse, I'm not sure she's entirely left her hurtful views behind. It's left me with an intersting delemma. As I mentioned before, our friendship has grown increasingly one-sided, I'm not sure how she would cope if I suddenly dropped out of her life. She has honored me with her confidence, with her secrets, with her vulnerability, and with her trust. I will not betray that. I will not create more hurt for her just because I'm hurting.

So I suppose that leaves me with two qustions: is it possible to purge the past without destroying the future, and, is it worth the risk to make myself as vulnerable to her?

What a painful and fascinating thing friendship is. I suspect that it wouldn't be near as beautiful if it were any easier.